I’m in a rut.
I feel like I’m losing my willpower.
I don’t sleep, I sweat. My reliance on pain relief through out the day and night has grown exponentially. I need Alex’s help to get undressed. I am irritable and lethargic.
I am self-sabotaging. I can barely meditate for more than ten minutes at a time. I stopped drinking my alkaline water. I started to eat meat. I drown bread in olive and salt. I skip lunch. I have even started to eat chocolate. I have stopped taking my supplements. Drinking my juices. Walking the block or the beach. I’ve become lazy, looking for escapes.
This morning I don’t care if I live or die. I don’t feel the need to be here for others anymore. That gives me a sense of peace. I have to search to find reasons for me alone to be here. I can’t find any.
Today I am having a bad day. I am entitled. This week I am scheduled for a scan. And not the normal CT. I am getting another PET scan to see which parts of the tumour are active and if it has spread. It is ruining my plans for the week. I am annoyed.
I think I am scared, in fact I know I am. But I am also angry. I cant articulate what it is I am angry or frustrated about… Part of me wants to know, the other doesn’t care (or is pretending not to care).
Wow. Yuck. Got it out… Not sure I’ll post this. Maybe I’ll keep it in draft. It’s not very positive. Think it will upset a few ppl. Namely my Mum. I’ll warn her.
Should I care? It’s a snapshot in time, that is my reality for the moment. And a moment is all it is. That moment will pass. It almost has, having written this down. Like I needed to have a verbal vomit. I made space. I got rid of those thoughts and can replace them with brighter, lighter, more positive ones. Ones that normally fill my headspace.
It’s time to move my body. Eat. Re-hydrate. Relax.