Pre radiotherapy treatment 

What a brutal week. Funerals, family, Hannibal Lecter (sorry, Spider-man) mask fittings, removal of my 30 stitches, pain management plans, breakthrough pain med conversations, 5 meals a day, visitors, new car test drives, kitchen fitouts and much more meditation. Me = Dazed and Confused.

  
I always knew the surgery aftermath would be harder than the surgery itself. But what a readjustment! 

Each day throughout the week, Alex tried to convince me to go back to hospital. Each day I would resist, find a new excuse. My surgery has gone very well and I am in no pain from my scars, but my other pain began to spiral out of control. Life got busy quickly, I was not ready for it. I withdrew. I also have a different focus now and so my tolerance is lower. Much, much lower. 

It has felt chaotic, like people around me are running around with their heads cut off, not really know what to do or how to behave. And how could you blame them after the last crazy couple of weeks!! There is so much adrenaline still coarsing through the air but I need for it now to abate. I need to start channelling it into my parasympathetic nervous system. 

I have been surprised at the variability in my body from one day to the next. (Maybe, that’s a lie…. I think that I have been up and down from the beginning and maybe it’s just a bigger spike now…) I attempted to walk the length of my beach this week. It was exhuritating. I was distressed. Alex was distressed as I gripped his hand, coughing and spluttering every step of the way. I was determined. And I made it. Weak one day, strong enough to paddle board (in dress up) the next. 

  

There is so much still unknown in terms of my next treatments and my recovery. They are not going to treat me like a normal patient (surprise, surprise). They will try something ‘novel’. So much is still up in the air. And this hasn’t helped those around me. I’ve also not had any systemic therapy for sometime now. I am working on changing that as soon as possible! I think I need it. 

The most wonderful part of my week is that Alex is back in my realm. He has taken one huge leap, one I wasn’t sure he would make. If I had a choice I know I would think twice! But he made it with flying colours. x

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